And don’t come back

After describing Britain as "mosque-drenched", progressives don't need persuading. Jeremy Clarkson should follow his own advice and leave Britain.

Progressives don’t need persuading. Jeremy Clarkson should follow his own advice and leave the country.

After describing Britain as “mosque-drenched” and denouncing Albanians for taking university places and stealing wheelbarrows in his Sunday Times column yesterday, Jeremy Clarkson went on an extraordinary diatribe about his emigration options:

“You can’t go to France because you need to complete 17 forms in triplicate every time you want to build a greenhouse, and you can’t go to Switzerland because you will be reported to your neighbours by the police and subsequently shot in the head if you don’t sweep your lawn properly, and you can’t go to Italy because you’ll soon tire of waking up in the morning to find a horse’s head in your bed because you forgot to give a man called Don a bundle of used notes for “organising” a plumber.

“You can’t go to Australia because it’s full of things that will eat you, you can’t go to New Zealand because they don’t accept anyone who is more than 40 and you can’t go to Monte Carlo because they don’t accept anyone who has less than 40 mill. And you can’t go to Spain because you’re not called Del and you weren’t involved in the Walthamstow blag. And you can’t go to Germany … because you just can’t.

Do we have to go on? Oh alright then:

“The Caribbean sounds tempting, but there is no work, which means that one day, whether you like it or not, you’ll end up like all the other expats, with a nose like a burst beetroot, wondering if it’s okay to have a small sharpener at 10 in the morning. And, as I keep explaining to my daughter, we can’t go to America because if you catch a cold over there, the health system is designed in such a way that you end up without a house. Or dead.

“Canada’s full of people pretending to be French, South Africa’s too risky, Russia’s worse and everywhere else is too full of snow, too full of flies or too full of people who want to cut your head off on the internet.”

Frankly, Jeremy, we don’t care where you end up so long as you leave and do so quickly.

26 Responses to “And don’t come back”

  1. Billy the Kid

    For Gods sake this is called comedy.

    It’s FUN… all together now you New Labour peeps F U N ….fun.

    It’s John Prescott repairing two toilet seats at the taxpayers expense and having a penis described as a chipolata…

    It’s called humour guys…

    Lighten up. Less than six months to go and your opinions will be ignored…

  2. Graham

    Yes, really. Save your ire for people that matter. Clarkson’s comments are fairly tame.


  3. Joe FD

    Jeremy Clarkson and Melanie Phillips should be left to their own devices or we’ll end up like Billy the Kid above and Toynbee’s Cif stalkers, picking sad little cyberfights with people who couldn’t give a toss about their views.
    Meanwhile, Clarkson’s column seems to have been removed from the Times website, so maybe they agree with you!

  4. pam

    On the other hand, he’s saying how great the uk is, and how nowhere else is as good – not so much wrong with that?

  5. Liz McShane

    Well said LFF.

    Jeremy Clarkson and his ilk are repulsive and they try to pass off their offensive and outmoded views as comedic. I resent paying the BBC licence fee for these kind of people who present programmes which will hopefully cease to be relevant.

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