Dominic Browne presents a step-by-step guide to writing a Richard Littlejohn Daily Mail column.
Richard Littlejohn is back to his best this morning with this culturally sensitive piece on the Japanese earthquake, deciding this is the time to discuss the difficult issues of race in Japanese society and the legacy of World War 2.
For those of you who have always wanted to know how he does it, here is a step-by-step guide to writing a Littlejohn column – a long overdue and essential public resource we are sure you’ll agree.
1. Always start with a caveat
You are about to write a collection of words that to any inattentive reader might seem racist, sexist, or just plain stomach-churningly insensitive. It is important that you let them know that this is not the case and any offence they feel is entirely their fault.
Here are a few Littlejohn wrote earlier:
“No one with a shred of humanity can fail to be moved by some of the pictures coming out of Japan” – March 22nd, 2011
“A man in a wheelchair is as entitled to demonstrate as anyone else” – December 14th, 2010
The classic:
“Let’s get the caveat out of the way from the off. The five women murdered in Ipswich were tragic, lost souls who met a grisly end” – December 18th, 2006
2. Pick the most sensitive topic, raise it at the most insensitive time, and make sure you kick the victims
Few will be able to do this as well as the master himself. Who else would have thought that now, as the death toll from the Japanese disaster passes into the tens of thousands, was the best time to discuss problematic parts of the country’s history and culture? Who else would have thought that shortly after the muder of five women who worked as prostitutes in Ipswich in 2006, it was the appropriate time to state baldly:
“In their chosen field of ‘work’ death by strangulation is an occupational hazard.”
3. Simplify any complex issues and social, cultural, economic factors to the most crude and nasty soundbites you can
You may find that using readymade stereotypes and dragging up history will help you in this regard. Now is the time that you’re glad you put in the caveat at the beginning; because otherwise calling the Japanese “militantly racist” or murder victims “disgusting, drug-addled street whores” or a man in a wheelchair “like Andy from Little Britain” might make you look a bit ignorant and/or desperately bigoted and hateful.
4. Let your sub-editors, picture researchers and cartoonists do their very worst
Now that you have written your copy there is no cause to hold back with the presentation, so don’t let those pesky subs interfere with your genius. If you are writing a piece on Japan for instance, make sure they juxtapose images of post-tsunami devastation with pictures of starving Prisoners of War from World War 2.
Caption them with lines like:
“The images from Japan might be horrific, but do they really warrant such highly publicised hand-wringing?”
Or, after a disabled man has been pulled from his wheelchair by police during a march to protect students from massive fee rises, why not let your cartoonist crudely caricature/stereotype all disabled people with a comparison with a Little Britain character, after all you did.
Again caption this as crudely as possible:
“Don’t like it: Wheelchair-bound Jody McIntyre was wrong to complain about being mistreated at the student protests.”
Now you are ready to file. You won’t have long to wait to find inspiration as people are suffering all over the world just waiting for you to point out that it’s all their fault, or they shouldn’t complain, or that their grandfather did something nasty. You just couldn’t make it up.
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214 Responses to “How to write a Richard Littlejohn column”
Harriet
**By getting, I mean get. I can’t let that typo stand.
Harriet
Actually, Mouse. After reading your comments again, I feel like I need to make a further response. You assert that I have no argument, but only only wish to insult the man himself. For brevity’s sake, I had made a short and glib response earlier. Here is my argument now. Brace yourself, sweetheart. I don’t wish to be accused of having no substance.
I resent Littlejohn, and his article, for a number of different reasons. Firstly, I think that choosing a moment of national crisis to ring again the clanging bells of the past betrays zero empathy. I do not understand the link between the past behaviour of a nation and our contemporary behaviour towards that nation. If Britain were treated by other nations in a manner which directly correlated to our behaviour in the past, then we would be a pariah floating alone and detested in the international sea.
Did Littlejohn issue a similar article at the time of New Zealand earthquake? “Don’t, by all means, send money to New Zealand! They are a developed country and they treated the Maoris REALLY badly”. Of course he didn’t. This was an attack with a specific target: the Japanese people. What was the basis of this judgement? That we apparently know little about the Japanese, therefore we shouldn’t help them. That in the past, the Japanese have behaved with cruelty. I assert and strongly maintain that to form this kind of judgement is racist. I find racism and racists disgusting.
The moral bankruptcy of the article is incredible. Littlejohn actually believes that the death of a number of footballers of old age is more worthy of our attention and our grief than the death of tens of thousands of people. Right now, I don’t care about party politics and I’m not even considering my pre-existing antipathy towards Littlejohn and his right-wing views. I feel this hurt as a humanist. I cannot comprehend how anyone can be so glib and unfeeling about the death of so many people. This kind of attitude disgusts me. What disgusts me further is the prospect that people may be put off donating money to the relief fund due to this kind of propaganda. No matter what Littlejohn says, the Japanese do need our money. This was the most expensive natural disaster in history and will cost the Japanese nearly twice what Hurricane Katrina cost the Americans. The fact that they are a developed nation is immaterial. There are people who are homeless and hungry and as an empathetic human being, I cannot understand why a person would dismiss that.
So there you have it, Anon E Mouse. This is why I think Richard Littlejohn is a disgusting, vile human being. His words are a crime against decency and compassion. By all means, accuse me of smearing his name. Make an example of me- I’ll keep on shouting my opinion from the rooftops because it is my right to do so. And I don’t care if you don’t like it.
Simon
Very good article, I have written my own piece on Littlejohn’s delightful article, if anyone is interested the link is in the website box
Simon
or rather just click my name
Anon E Mouse
Harriet – There is a lot I agree with in your reply and of course some bits I don’t.
Here’s what I do though. I never read the Daily Mail – not just because of Gordon Brown and his links to the editor but because I don’t like it. There are people like Frankie Boyle who’s views I don’t share. So I don’t watch him. Not ever.
So the views of both the aforementioned characters are not important to me and I wouldn’t stoop to post an opinion that could be considered as offensive as the one I disagreed with.
I would say though that Richard Littlejohn is certainly not a hypocrite unlike a lot on the left and that’s to be welcomed – his putdown of the two faced Polly Toynbee (preaches about global warming whilst regularly flying to her villa in Italy) on QT was priceless.
Finally unlike the left I also believe in freedom, a bit like Voltaire and his “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it” instead of Labour and its ID Cards and 90 Day Detention.