Dominic Browne presents a step-by-step guide to writing a Richard Littlejohn Daily Mail column.
Richard Littlejohn is back to his best this morning with this culturally sensitive piece on the Japanese earthquake, deciding this is the time to discuss the difficult issues of race in Japanese society and the legacy of World War 2.
For those of you who have always wanted to know how he does it, here is a step-by-step guide to writing a Littlejohn column – a long overdue and essential public resource we are sure you’ll agree.
1. Always start with a caveat
You are about to write a collection of words that to any inattentive reader might seem racist, sexist, or just plain stomach-churningly insensitive. It is important that you let them know that this is not the case and any offence they feel is entirely their fault.
Here are a few Littlejohn wrote earlier:
“No one with a shred of humanity can fail to be moved by some of the pictures coming out of Japan” – March 22nd, 2011
“A man in a wheelchair is as entitled to demonstrate as anyone else” – December 14th, 2010
The classic:
“Let’s get the caveat out of the way from the off. The five women murdered in Ipswich were tragic, lost souls who met a grisly end” – December 18th, 2006
2. Pick the most sensitive topic, raise it at the most insensitive time, and make sure you kick the victims
Few will be able to do this as well as the master himself. Who else would have thought that now, as the death toll from the Japanese disaster passes into the tens of thousands, was the best time to discuss problematic parts of the country’s history and culture? Who else would have thought that shortly after the muder of five women who worked as prostitutes in Ipswich in 2006, it was the appropriate time to state baldly:
“In their chosen field of ‘work’ death by strangulation is an occupational hazard.”
3. Simplify any complex issues and social, cultural, economic factors to the most crude and nasty soundbites you can
You may find that using readymade stereotypes and dragging up history will help you in this regard. Now is the time that you’re glad you put in the caveat at the beginning; because otherwise calling the Japanese “militantly racist” or murder victims “disgusting, drug-addled street whores” or a man in a wheelchair “like Andy from Little Britain” might make you look a bit ignorant and/or desperately bigoted and hateful.
4. Let your sub-editors, picture researchers and cartoonists do their very worst
Now that you have written your copy there is no cause to hold back with the presentation, so don’t let those pesky subs interfere with your genius. If you are writing a piece on Japan for instance, make sure they juxtapose images of post-tsunami devastation with pictures of starving Prisoners of War from World War 2.
Caption them with lines like:
“The images from Japan might be horrific, but do they really warrant such highly publicised hand-wringing?”
Or, after a disabled man has been pulled from his wheelchair by police during a march to protect students from massive fee rises, why not let your cartoonist crudely caricature/stereotype all disabled people with a comparison with a Little Britain character, after all you did.
Again caption this as crudely as possible:
“Don’t like it: Wheelchair-bound Jody McIntyre was wrong to complain about being mistreated at the student protests.”
Now you are ready to file. You won’t have long to wait to find inspiration as people are suffering all over the world just waiting for you to point out that it’s all their fault, or they shouldn’t complain, or that their grandfather did something nasty. You just couldn’t make it up.
Left Foot Forward doesn't have the backing of big business or billionaires. We rely on the kind and generous support of ordinary people like you.
You can support hard-hitting journalism that holds the right to account, provides a forum for debate among progressives, and covers the stories the rest of the media ignore. Donate today.
214 Responses to “How to write a Richard Littlejohn column”
Chris
Mental Mousey says:
“Her response is exactly that of the last Labour government with Damian McBride and co. She smears the writer and plays the man not the ball. It is a most unattractive trait amongst the left and shows they simply do not have the ability to engage in an argument and put forward an opinion.”
Shocking isn’t it? Playing the man not the ball? Like the author of this comment:
“Joss Garman – It’s ok for rich posh boy eco toffs like yourself who don’t have to work to earn a living and just live out of the pockets of Big Daddy but for the rest of us on twelve hour shifts who have to drive to work this really stinks.
“For you to be even considering solar cells in the UK shows your complete naivety on this whole subject.
“Since your Plane Stupid campaign seems to have been a complete success why aren’t you now doing something else other than constant self promotion?”
Not just “the left” eh? Seems that the racist, bigoted, far-right defenders of Littlejohn, personified by yourself, are experts at it…
Heroheater
Any cricket fans? Littlejohn has called for the Sri Lankan anthem to be banned at the World Cup:
http://www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com/new-ban-sri-lankan-anthem-says-littlejohn/#ixzz1HQgykkbV
Anon E Mouse
Chris – I’ve missed you so much! Where have been?
That comment about the posh boy eco toff isn’t smearing Chris – it’s all true. Every bit. How can that be a smear?
That’s why the last honest Labour chancellor, Alistair Darling, was attacked by Gordon Brown and his thuggish bullies… for telling the truth.
Have Labour supporters stooped so low now that they cannot tell the difference between the truth and what they want to hear?
Do you really not know the difference between something you don’t agree with and the truth?
Chris
Stupid mental Mousey.
Which part of this isn’t true:
“Thirdly, this is so right. Littlejohn is a digusting, vile human being.”
How, then, can that be a smear?
And how is your attack on Joss Garman anything other than playing the man and not addressing the issue?
Crawl back under your rock you scrounger…
Anon E Mouse
Chris – Nice to see you’ve not changed – still lying in public forums! I really have missed you!!!
Anyway read this nice and slowly Chris… Harriet’s remark is a personal opinion which is a smear.
My remark is an honest observation of fact and not a smear.
I’m not sure why you continue to be so defensive of this self serving publicist but hey it’s a free country.
Remember how annoyed you used to get when another truthful comment was made – “Ed Miliband is a Tax Avoiding” (Interview with Andrew Neill on the Politics Show and his Inheritance Tax) “Property Owning” (as before) “millionaire who’s never done a normal days work in his life” (he left university to “work” for the countess toff Harriet Harman – that cannot be normal).
None of that was a smear Chris because all of it is true. The trouble with you is the truth hurts and you can’t face up to it: Labour is run by a bunch of professional politicians with no idea about how the real world works and instead of being critical of that and wanting a true working class party you actually think that it’s acceptable.
Well guess what Chris… you’re in a minority and you are still advocating the very same points that Labour lost the election on last year. You really need to move on but please answer this post and we can keep you going like last time…