David Cameron’s cost of living tips

David Cameron believes people should wear a jumper to help them save on their energy bills this winter. That's not his only piece of bizarre cost of living advice.

#1. Baking Bad

David Cameron doesn’t have a clue about the price of a loaf because, he says, he bakes his own.

“You set the timer [of the bread-maker] overnight so when you wake up there is this wonderful smell wafting through your kitchen. It takes 30 seconds to put in the ingredients,” Cam said.

A Panasonic SD2500 Breadmaker costs £100 – pricey when inflation has been rising faster than wages for 39 of the last 40 months.

#2. Put a jumper on

British Gas announced yesterday that bills would go up by an average of 9.2 per cent for 8 million customers. Unwilling to do anything meaningful about rising gas bills, Cameron did have one piece of advice for pensioners feeling the chill this winter: wear a jumper.

“He is not going to prescribe the actions that individuals should take but if people are giving that advice that is something that people may wish to consider,” a spokesperson for David Cameron said.

#3. Let them use i-pads

If you’re finding retirement lonely, Cameron won’t provide you with better publicly funded social care, but instead will give you an i-Pad. This would provide lonely pensioners with a “link to the outside world” by allowing them to hold “video conferences with friends and family”, ministers have said.

A potentially good idea is hamstrung slightly by the fact that very few 90-year-olds know a thing about touch-screen tablets, e-mails and video conferencing.

#4. Fracking

Cameron believes that communities will receive £1 million each “immediately” from fracking. In reality, they will get £100,000 – a tenth of Cam’s estimate – if they allow fracking in their local area.

Don’t worry about the earth tremors, mind.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that David Cameron is officially the worst Prime Minister in recorded history on living standards

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7 Responses to “David Cameron’s cost of living tips”

  1. Graham Ward

    Can’t see them allowing fracking in my bit of Suffolk – not with a nuclear power station just down the road at Sizewell, So who’s going to give us 100k?

  2. Sarah Hermione Tyrer

    you weren’t going to get it anyway Graham, so I wouldn’t worry about it – and the hundred thousand won’t pay for the water pollution etc that needs clearing up. it’ll end up costing taxpayer a fortune, but the private company doing the fracking will make squillions – so good for the economy. apparently.

  3. julie howard

    Yet another vision from Camoron which is completely and unbelievably ridiculous. Lets give a 90 year old and ipad to contact family and friends, a person who most likely has no idea on how to use this or to be able afford internet connection?? Not to mention the fact that they are likely to be made an even more desirable target for crime?
    Nice one you fool!

  4. Guest

    Cam has it! lies on lies on lies. When it comes to fracking the little boy sees what he wants to see and that is that everyone will live happily ever after and the fracking fluid is so clean that everybosdy will be making absolkutley super tea and hot drinks with it sand what doesn’t stay in tyhe earth to poisen the soil and any water that should come down that way before turning back up ‘ Put it this way Uncle David -I hate you. (and all your mates!)

  5. John Quayle

    MAY BE cam moron should FRACK OFF………….

  6. Sparky

    Let’s summarise your thinking. Old people are not able to learn anything new. Most old people are so poor that they can’t afford £10 a month Internet connection. Old people shouldn’t own anything worth £400 as it’ll just get stolen anyway. That is what you’ve said, isn’t it?

  7. Julie howard

    No it is not what I said, that is a very blunt and inaccurate version.
    I said that most elderly people would not be able to operate an iPad, this could be due to failing eyesight or difficulties with mental capacity, such as Alziemers. I did not say that all old people are incapable of learning anything new. Many in fact do, including degree courses and driving licences. Older people are at more of a risk when it comes to house burglaries than others, this is in fact a statistic, not a guess. When a great many pensioners have to make a choice between food, heating or internet, which do you think is going to nourish them or keep them warm? As someone who has worked with elderly people for a number of years in a care situation, I can honestly say out of forty five clients I would see each week only 2or 3 would be capable of operating an iPad, most cannot operate a mobile phone. So how do you think that an iPad will be of use in helping them take a bath or go to the toilet or shopping? Because that is what the cuts are really about.
    Those who are in need of a carer coming in on a daily basis are not capable of completing the many tasks that we take for granted, some of my clients have MS, dementia of varying degrees, mobility issues etc.

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